Reflections

I have been thinking about this blog post for a long time. What should I write about? Should I tell them about my motorbike trip to Mai Chau or my New Year's trip to Singapore? Do I skip the not so pleasant parts and only go for the fun bits? Today, I read an article on blogging that helped me make up my mind. Part of the article was on anonymous blogging, and one of the bloggers said that if you can't share your life with your friends and family without fear, then what's the point? Here goes.

I usually slack off on blogging because I'm out enjoying the sights and sounds of Vietnam. I get so wrapped up in my new experiences that I forget to document them. The past month, I haven't been so lucky. My 2010 ended with a lot of sadness and heartache. My cousin died in a car accident the week of Christmas. At a normally joyous time of year (my favorite family holiday), I found myself sad, thousands of miles from my family, completely devoid of any holiday spirit, and just lost. It didn't seem real. I didn't understand. I wanted someone to talk to, I needed someone to talk to. But, how do you tell someone you've known for 4 months that someone you love just died and you feel like you can't breathe? How do you ask someone if it is okay if they just sit there while you cry? I don't know because I didn't. Slowly things got better. I took a few excursions, some already planned and others at the last minute, in the hopes of getting away and thinking about something other than grief. I don't cry as much as I used to. I usually only break down when I see a picture of him or talk to someone about him. Despite its length, this blog post has taken me more than an hour to write and my face is streaked with mascara. It comes in waves.

My cousin's birthday will soon be here. I remember calling him on his birthday a few years ago and telling him to get up to DC to visit me. This year, I can't call him. We'll never reminisce about how I used to drive him to high school or the times he had to crawl through the passenger side window of my car Dukes of Hazard style because I had wrecked it, or compete for who did the craziest/stupidest things when we were younger. We always lost to my uncle.

At this time of year, everyone reflects on the previous year and makes goals for the coming year. I hadn't thought about my resolutions for 2011 before the accident. After doing a lot of thinking about the upcoming year and how my perspective on life has changed considerably in the past month, I've decided that my New Years Resolution is to seize every opportunity and not to be crippled by fear. I may need to sit and cry on my cousin's birthday, but this time, I won't be scared to ask someone to be there with me. I won't be nervous about speaking Vietnamese to my security guard because he'll be ecstatic that I'm trying to learn his language. So what if I mess up? I probably won't even know if I do! Friends want to meet for an impromptu drink on a Thursday night? Go without thinking about how you have to be at work in the morning and you know they'll be out all night. I don't know what 2011 holds for me after September 1, 2011, when my contract ends, so I'm planning on taking every opportunity I can, professionally and personally. I know that my cousin's up there, looking out for me. I'm sure he's happy that I'm still working on that "who did the craziest stuff" list! We'll be together again one day, comparing notes, reminiscing about the good old days, and, I'm sure, crowning me the craziest cousin champion.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal. Love leaves a memory no one can steal.